Monday, September 15, 2014

All. Touched. Out.

There are six tiny hands fighting for one of my two. The man of my dreams wants to tell me about his day. There are about one million and three thoughts fighting to make their way through my fingers. And I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that I cannot be everything for everyone at the same time. I am frustrated that even when I am giving every piece of me, it isn't enough. My lap isn't big enough and the days are not long enough. I can't listen to everyone's story at the same time and I can't be in more than one place at a time. But, I so desperately want to. And at the same time, I want time to myself. I want time to think my own thoughts without an excited seven year old telling me all of the thoughts that course through her brain, a two year old demanding juice, at the same time the four month old that wants me to stare him in the eye while he eats.

I guess that's where the concept of balance comes into play, huh? I think it's one of those things that is much easier said than done. Especially when you have more kids than hands on top of being someone's girlfriend, friend, daughter and try to have "me" time. I'm going to be honest though. I generally neglect everything aside from the kids. Which leads me to feeling like I may or may not suffocate if I don't get three seconds to myself to at the very least pee or do something as crazy as shower alone. By the time my boyfriend gets home, I am so done with physically being around people that I would rather curl into a ball and play on my phone. So, I guess I do get some kind of me time? Just not productive me time. Not the kind that is refreshing. The kind that comes with hair that is actually done, showers that are actually enjoyed instead of either rushed or crowded, coffee that is the correct temperature or that feeling of being refreshed. My relationships are suffering, my self image is suffering and part of me wonders if my kids are suffering as well. I'm not always the mom I would like to be because I feel like I am losing it most of the time. I feel so alone a lot of the time. It's crazy that that is even possible when there are three little people that want nothing more than to be with me. But, it's the case. From what I am finding out though, that is a common thing for stay at home mom's. So, what do you do? We go to play dates as often as possible. We go to parks and the library. But even with that it's usually me with my kids. Not me socializing. Maybe I need to learn how to make friends?

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Who Am I?

I am often shocked by how hard it is for me to come up with a description of myself without it involving someone else. My go to is always "Babywearing, cloth diapering bed sharing mom of 3. Girlfriend to an amazing guy. " I mean, I am K1, K2 & Baby Pizza's mom. I am R's girlfriend. I am sort of crunchy with my parenting style. Those are all things that describe me. But are they really, me? Is there more to me than just those things? Or have I just became those things? I think I got lost somewhere along the way of this journey. I love those identifiers. I love being a mom, I love being a girlfriend. But I think I would also love being me. So maybe it's time to start looking into that. Finding more words to tell you who I am. Maybe even finding words to tell myself so I am. I think I need to find value in myself outside of others.

Self love. I guess that is really as important as everyone says. (Am I the only one that thinks of masturbation when you hear that? LOL.)

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Everything is everything...

I set this blog up in April with the intent of writing a blog for a blog hop in regards to Autism Awareness. And that was the sole purpose. I created a whole blog, for one entry. But now that time has passed, I figured maybe I should use this.

So, maybe I should do an actual introduction. I am a 27 year old, stay at home mom to 3 mini humans. First up is my first homie, K1. She will be 7 on Friday and I am in denial about it. She's pretty amazing. Second up, is K2. She is 2 and she is K1s opposite. K1 thrives off rules, K2 lives to break them. Last but not least is Baby J, or Baby Pizza depending on who you ask. He just git 4 months and again, I'm in denial. Time flies when you're having fun. I am also a girlfriend to a pretty amazing guy that is a chef and works lots of chef hours. Up until this semester I was in school for Early Childhood Development. I planned on taking that and either becoming an advocate for special needs students or working at a shelter of some sort. Right now I've put it on hold because I really want to make sure I am going to school for what I want and also that I am heading in the right direction.

More about me... I read. A lot. I am a babywearing, cloth diaper using, bed sharing mom. I love food but I hate cooking. I also hate cleaning but I do it because if I don't, no one will. And K2 loves to make a mess. (As I typed this she tried to stick her foot in a cup of chocolate milk. *sigh*) Anywho, I will be using this to talk about every day life. But I will try not to bore you guys. :)