Monday, September 12, 2016

Simple Truths that are Often Forgotten

I am often told that I am a good listener. I think most people fail to realize that it is because I spend a fair amount of time wondering if I am talking too much, listening enough or if I am simply taking up too much space just by existing. I try to take up the least amount of space, both physically and metaphorically. Being in the spotlight makes me uncomfortable. For this reason, idle chit chat might as well be a form of torture. But, nothing is worse than actually being asked to tell people about myself. Which, I can tell you, is a form of torture.

I've always made sure that I keep friends around that enjoy the attention. It makes it easier to retreat into their shadow because within a shadow my existence isn't being questioned. In the shadow it makes it easier for me to do a word count and measure my words worth. Day in and day out, I spend much of my time wondering "is this important?" "is this adding to the conversation?" "did I say 'I' too many times?" and most of all, "do they actually care?" And funny enough, the answer in my head is often times, no. No, people do not care what I have to say and no, people don't actually care whether or not I actually contribute to a conversation. This is often confirmed when even conversations in which I have opened in reference to myself, turn into people speaking over me and about themselves.

While this has always been something that I have done, I have noticed that it is happening more often. My need to not take up space has led to others also not leaving me space or consideration. Often times it is just assumed that I will be the one there to listen or I will be the one there to help. Whether I can or want to isn't ever taken into consideration and my lack of wanting to take up space often allows it to stay that way.

So, what's changed? Looking back to 6, 4, even 2 years ago... life has changed. In big ways and in little ways. My support system has dwindled. Both in real life and online. At one point I had friends and an active social life, now I am lucky if I am invited to hang out. My level of confidence has dwindled. I went from being comfortable and confident in my body to not even close. I have had 3 babies in the last 5 years and unlike my first two pregnancies, I have not been able to lose the weight and with each pant size increase there has been a confidence decrease. What makes it worse is the fact that if I even dare to bring up that I am not comfortable in my body, I am told that I am still small so what room do I have to complain. I guess the fact that I am 30 lbs over the weight I am most comfortable at doesn't matter. Add in the financial ups and downs of the last two years and I guess it makes some sense.

But, still... the idea of opening up to people is terrifying. The quickness in which people are able to turn conversations back to them as if what I am saying doesn't matter, the lack of interest in what I am saying. The lack of... reciprocity. All of that while I am drowning in a sea of toddlers and babies and big kid dramas. It's a lot. And it isn't.

And right now I am focusing on me and how I need to change it. I think that means putting myself out there more, more time for self care, and knowing when to walk away. I'm going to be doing a lot of walking soon.

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