I'll be the first to admit that I'm far from perfect. If I had the time, I could and probably would, make you a list detailing each and every flaw. But, honestly, that's not the point of this post. Maybe another day. In my imperfection, I've made a lot of questionable decisions. Though I wouldn't change any of those decisions because they have led me here (and I mean, have you seen The Butterfly Effect?!) there are still a ton of what ifs that keep me up at night. The latest and most often recurring choice that is keeping me up at night is college.
In high school, like most teenagers, I thought I knew best. Much to my mother's dismay, I decided not to apply to any 4 year colleges. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do and in my mind, I could knock out my gen ed classes then transfer to a 4 year school. Less debt & it would give me time to decide. My mom pushed for me to reconsider but, I was stubborn. After graudation I moved to Orange County, got a job and I finished my first year. Then decided I wanted to move back to the Valley since I thought I missed my friends. I stayed in school for a semester and I worked my ass off. And then, life happened. By life, I mean I got pregnant. I tried to stay in school but I was barely able to handle life with how sick I was so I took some time off. I ended up moving back to Orange County with my mom and tried to get back into the swing of school and while I attended a few classes at University of Phoenix, I still just wasn't there mentally. I moved to Long Beach after another short stint in the Valley and left UoP. Once again, I went back to school, still with very little direction but did it because that's what I thought I should have been doing. I went to school through working full time, I went to school through pregnancies. I did that on and off until 2014 when I had my 3rd.
So, I have all of these credits and no degree. I have all of this debt and nothing to show for it. And it's wearing on me. I wish I had waited until I knew what I wanted to do. But, on the other side I wish I had listened to my mom. I wish I had at least stayed the course and finished... something. I mean, right this second, I am 6 classes shy of my A.A. in Child Development. 6. That's two semesters. Or like, if they offer the classes during winter, I could knock that out by the end of Spring semester. And I'm debating it... but... I don't know that I would actually use the degree.
I love children. I wouldn't have so many if I didn't. But, for the most part that degree is used for jobs in the classroom. I don't want to work in the classroom. I am more interesting in the paperwork side of well, life. Most of my adult life I've worked in an office. I kick ass in office jobs. I can type, I can file, I can answer phones and direct people, I can organize your life and Google all of your questions. I love deadlines and organized chaos. Basically, I love knowing what to expect. Little humans, I have learned, are actually the complete opposite of that. But, also... I'm so close.
My focus is special education. I ended up taking a few classes on special education because I was starting the IEP process for my oldest daughter and I wanted all of the information I could get. And well, ended up taking all of them. So, realistically, I've toyed with the idea of being an advocate or working with an advocacy agency in any capacity. Which, would fulfill that love for paperwork and also my desire to continue working for a non-profit. (I've worked mostly for non-profits dealing with addiction.)
I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday to discuss next steps because it's very possible that all of my doubts are really being fueled by my fear of failure and anxiety. Anyway, wish me luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment