It's Ok to NOT be Ok.

Last month, I did sober September with some good friends. It was an eye-opening experience because I was forced to actually deal with my anxiety and other reasons why I drink. It also gave me a chance to work through some of the core issues that trigger those reasons.

One of my favorite things to remind myself is that it is okay not to be okay. The reminder is simple, accepting it is not. So, it is something that I have to remind myself of often. Usually this reminder is partnered with me reminding myself that it is okay to take care of me. At the very start of Sober September, an article from the Mighty regarding the least talked about parts of self-care came across my Facebook feed. It has been an open window in my phone's browser since that day because it serves as a reminder that there is more to taking care of yourself than just taking a break and allowing myself to be not okay. Self-care also means taking the steps to actually be okay.

I think right now the biggest struggles that I have in regards to self-care are both knowing when to quit and knowing when to ask for help, both are deeply tied with knowing my own limits. I have a very bad habit of pushing myself to a breaking point in order to not inconvenience anyone else, not recognizing the damage that I am doing to myself in the mean time. One of my biggest fears (and triggers) is rejection. So, in order to avoid rejection, I avoid confrontation. Sometimes the anticipated reaction is far worse than what would actually happen. But, my mind ALWAYS goes to worst case scenario. 

It's time for me to totally and completely acknowledge that I am a mother of four children, three of them being between the ages of 9 months and 4 years old, one of them with special needs. I have limitations and that's okay. It's okay for me to say no when someone asks for help that I don't have the energy to give. It's okay for me to not engage. It's okay for me to not hold others emotional bagage when mine is heavy enough. It is time for me to not only set boundaries but also stick with them. It's also okay for me to set doctors appointments for myself and make other appointments that I need in order to be a better me because I do have a partner and family. I need to use my resources better. I need to reach out and ask for help and not just wait or hope for it to be offered. 

It's going to be hard. For me and probably others, especially my kids. But, in the long run I think it will make us all better.