And here we are again.

It's been a year since I started this. It's been a year where everything has changed and in some ways nothing has.

Now instead of being a mom of two, I have three. Instead of constant therapy appointments and almost daily fights with the school, we are down to none. We aren't homeschooling anymore & the schools phone number popping up on my phone screen no longer gives me anxiety. My girl has friends now and a team of teachers dedicated to the delecate balance. She is at grade level for reading and writing. She's lost teeth and grown so many inches! My girl is growing up.

Things are better. So much better! Somethings still remain the same. Her anxiety is still a force to be reakoned with, her impulse control is still something we are working on, her temper is still a work in progress. But her smile is still so damn bright, her eyes sparkle with excitement & she's still that intense ball of fierceness.

I still watch her and am amazed by how far she has come. How far she still has to go. And I'm so proud to say she's mine. I've fought for this girl and will until the very end. But, I'm seeing that she is starting to fight for herself.

I started this blog post a year ago. Time must have escaped me and it was never published. Life got difficult. Things started to fall by the wayside. And I guess, this blog was one of the things that didn't get the attention it deserved. Maybe, just maybe, now I will be able to dedicate time to it? Who knows? But, it's worth a shot.

So, maybe an update. I think that would be a great place to start.

Khiley is doing amazing. This is her second year at this school. And she is shining. Her teacher is amazing and her support staff are doing just that, supporting her. She is thriving! She is up to grade level with everything and... well, I rarely even get calls from school anymore! Her teacher sends home a note every day just so that I know what is going on and every one of them has been positive. Even on some of the rougher days. Khiley is also in the afterschool program. She loves it. She is still growing. Which really, it isn't fair. She is now just around 4'2 and 8 years old. She's going to pass me in no time!

Then there is Kadence. She turned 3 in July and her personality seems to have blossomed since! She is one of the funniest little girls ever. She is already super sassy and sarcastic. She loves pink, purple and dresses. It is so funny watching her explore the world. Because, she does it on her own terms. She is incredibly shy but once she warms up, you better watch out!

And then, Jakobi. Man, that kid is a force to be reckoned with. He is 16 months with a full mouth of teeth and agenda full of mischief. He is always getting into something. Even the girls have started making sure that he is staying out of trouble now. He is my earliest talker. Which is interesting! He says the girls names with glee whenever he sees them and loves to scream for daddy!

Things have changed a lot in our lives. In July, I transitioned from being a stay at home mom to working full time. Which has been an interesting transition. Not too long after that, Rylee transitioned from working full time as a chef to going back to school to follow what he really loves. It has been nice to have him around a lot more often! The kids are really loving it. Our living situation in the last year has also changed. I will talk about that more another time because in reality, that deserves it's own post. Oh and we are expecting our fourth. Another boy should be here in January.

Well, I am going to run. I will try to at least update this weekly, maybe more!

All. Touched. Out.

There are six tiny hands fighting for one of my two. The man of my dreams wants to tell me about his day. There are about one million and three thoughts fighting to make their way through my fingers. And I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that I cannot be everything for everyone at the same time. I am frustrated that even when I am giving every piece of me, it isn't enough. My lap isn't big enough and the days are not long enough. I can't listen to everyone's story at the same time and I can't be in more than one place at a time. But, I so desperately want to. And at the same time, I want time to myself. I want time to think my own thoughts without an excited seven year old telling me all of the thoughts that course through her brain, a two year old demanding juice, at the same time the four month old that wants me to stare him in the eye while he eats.

I guess that's where the concept of balance comes into play, huh? I think it's one of those things that is much easier said than done. Especially when you have more kids than hands on top of being someone's girlfriend, friend, daughter and try to have "me" time. I'm going to be honest though. I generally neglect everything aside from the kids. Which leads me to feeling like I may or may not suffocate if I don't get three seconds to myself to at the very least pee or do something as crazy as shower alone. By the time my boyfriend gets home, I am so done with physically being around people that I would rather curl into a ball and play on my phone. So, I guess I do get some kind of me time? Just not productive me time. Not the kind that is refreshing. The kind that comes with hair that is actually done, showers that are actually enjoyed instead of either rushed or crowded, coffee that is the correct temperature or that feeling of being refreshed. My relationships are suffering, my self image is suffering and part of me wonders if my kids are suffering as well. I'm not always the mom I would like to be because I feel like I am losing it most of the time. I feel so alone a lot of the time. It's crazy that that is even possible when there are three little people that want nothing more than to be with me. But, it's the case. From what I am finding out though, that is a common thing for stay at home mom's. So, what do you do? We go to play dates as often as possible. We go to parks and the library. But even with that it's usually me with my kids. Not me socializing. Maybe I need to learn how to make friends?

Who Am I?

I am often shocked by how hard it is for me to come up with a description of myself without it involving someone else. My go to is always "Babywearing, cloth diapering bed sharing mom of 3. Girlfriend to an amazing guy. " I mean, I am K1, K2 & Baby Pizza's mom. I am R's girlfriend. I am sort of crunchy with my parenting style. Those are all things that describe me. But are they really, me? Is there more to me than just those things? Or have I just became those things? I think I got lost somewhere along the way of this journey. I love those identifiers. I love being a mom, I love being a girlfriend. But I think I would also love being me. So maybe it's time to start looking into that. Finding more words to tell you who I am. Maybe even finding words to tell myself so I am. I think I need to find value in myself outside of others.

Self love. I guess that is really as important as everyone says. (Am I the only one that thinks of masturbation when you hear that? LOL.)