Simple Truths that are Often Forgotten

I am often told that I am a good listener. I think most people fail to realize that it is because I spend a fair amount of time wondering if I am talking too much, listening enough or if I am simply taking up too much space just by existing. I try to take up the least amount of space, both physically and metaphorically. Being in the spotlight makes me uncomfortable. For this reason, idle chit chat might as well be a form of torture. But, nothing is worse than actually being asked to tell people about myself. Which, I can tell you, is a form of torture.

I've always made sure that I keep friends around that enjoy the attention. It makes it easier to retreat into their shadow because within a shadow my existence isn't being questioned. In the shadow it makes it easier for me to do a word count and measure my words worth. Day in and day out, I spend much of my time wondering "is this important?" "is this adding to the conversation?" "did I say 'I' too many times?" and most of all, "do they actually care?" And funny enough, the answer in my head is often times, no. No, people do not care what I have to say and no, people don't actually care whether or not I actually contribute to a conversation. This is often confirmed when even conversations in which I have opened in reference to myself, turn into people speaking over me and about themselves.

While this has always been something that I have done, I have noticed that it is happening more often. My need to not take up space has led to others also not leaving me space or consideration. Often times it is just assumed that I will be the one there to listen or I will be the one there to help. Whether I can or want to isn't ever taken into consideration and my lack of wanting to take up space often allows it to stay that way.

So, what's changed? Looking back to 6, 4, even 2 years ago... life has changed. In big ways and in little ways. My support system has dwindled. Both in real life and online. At one point I had friends and an active social life, now I am lucky if I am invited to hang out. My level of confidence has dwindled. I went from being comfortable and confident in my body to not even close. I have had 3 babies in the last 5 years and unlike my first two pregnancies, I have not been able to lose the weight and with each pant size increase there has been a confidence decrease. What makes it worse is the fact that if I even dare to bring up that I am not comfortable in my body, I am told that I am still small so what room do I have to complain. I guess the fact that I am 30 lbs over the weight I am most comfortable at doesn't matter. Add in the financial ups and downs of the last two years and I guess it makes some sense.

But, still... the idea of opening up to people is terrifying. The quickness in which people are able to turn conversations back to them as if what I am saying doesn't matter, the lack of interest in what I am saying. The lack of... reciprocity. All of that while I am drowning in a sea of toddlers and babies and big kid dramas. It's a lot. And it isn't.

And right now I am focusing on me and how I need to change it. I think that means putting myself out there more, more time for self care, and knowing when to walk away. I'm going to be doing a lot of walking soon.

Elsa and Anna Get a Make-over!

Like most small humans, my youngest daughter has Frozen Fever... STILL. How? I'm not sure. But, she does. Her 4th birthday was in July and we gifted her a set of Elsa and Anna dolls. A month of a half of daily use that often involves dirt, they dolls started looking a little rough. Their hair especially. (She might as well be Pig Pen, she is constantly covered in dirt. She even carries a blanket around with her.)

Today she came to me and asked me to help with Anna's hair. I was a little scared but figured Pintrest could help. I was mostly right. Pretty much every solution they had involved either wig shampoo (which I don't have) or fabric softener (which I also don't have.) But, by that point I had already promised that the dolls hair would be combed so I was kind of stuck...

I figured I might as well try shampoo and conditioner... I mean, I've had some luck combing the kids hair out with it.

Here's what I did:

1. This is Elsa and Anna in their before state. Quite sad. They're naked. They're clothes are somewhere in the house... but, much like my children, they rarely wear them.

2. We got their hair wet. I tried to be careful not to get their full bodies wet, but the 4 year old was helping so that was futile.

3. Next up, we shampooed. I always seem to have extra samples hanging out due to my thing beauty boxes. It helped get the dirt out & it smelled nice. So, that was helpful. After we got all of the dirt out we rinsed a few times to make sure the bubbles came out.

4. After we shampooed, we conditioned with the usual conditioner we use for our hair. I let it sit for about 30 minutes before trying to comb it. I was hoping it would help. I'm not sure if it did.

5. The conditioner sat and I was able to brush Anna's hair our rather easily. Her hair was mostly in braids which may be why. It combed out easily and looked pretty decent. Elsa's hair wasn't quite as simple. It took a little more work to comb her hair out and the ends looked like she needed a trim.

6. I let their hair dry, mostly. It was hard with an impatient 4 year old waiting (and the 2 year old trying to swoop in and swipe them.) I combed it one more time. Then up they went in pony tails. The 4 year old promptly asked for me to braid Anna's hair once I was done though. 

All in all, it worked. It wasn't the best and I may give the fabric softener a shot next time around. I'm sure the naked Barbies and tangled Ponies would appreciate it.

Be intentional!

I started this year off by proclaiming that this year I would make sure to be more intentional. However, now that we are 8 months into a year in which I had hopes of being intentional, I realize that I did not define what exactly that meant. Without defining my intentions, being intentional is... well, hard.

So, here I am. Starting this month I will be setting monthly aspirations. Things that I would like to achieve but leave room for growth. I will write them the first day of the month and revisit the previous months. I will be looking at what does work, what doesn't work and all that that falls in between. I also hope to do at least a weekly check in. I guess, that is my first goal. Blogging more.

Instead of putting it off until next year, I am starting now. Instead of starting when ______ happens, I'm starting now. What I've noticed if that setting start dates for goals that depend on other things happening, chances of it actually starting are well, low. Either the 'thing' doesn't happen, motivation is gone by the time it happens or its long forgotten. So, I'm starting in the now. Then I can set my expectations on the now vs the when.

All right... here we go. September goals:

1. Be more intentional about self care.

I need to give myself the same time that I give others. I need to take care of me because there are so many people that depend on me.

2. Find a hobby.

3. Read at least 3 books.

I'm already pretty good about this. But, I would also like to talk about the books. I've already got one down for the month (Coming Clean) & started another.

4. Sober September

In effort to support friends, I'm taking September off from drinking. It should be interesting.

5. Walk, run or crawl 80 miles.

I tried this last month and well, failed. But, this month I am hoping to get it done!

I'll check back in with y'all to let you know how I do!