Have you ever just wanted to scream but you can't because there are little eyes watching your every move so instead you scream interally & try to choke back the sobs?

I'm there right now. I'm tired. Mentally and physically. I'm struggling. Baby is 26 days and I've been on the go since the day we got out of the hospital. I've been on my own with the baby & toddlers since 2 days out of the hospital. And the toddlers still don't sleep. So, I'm running off of coffee & will power right now. And, like, keeping two toddlers and a newborn alive in and of itself is a lot. But I'm also trying to find us a place to call home because while where we are is kind of home just because it's been so long, it isn't an actual home. It's an in between. And I'm fucking sick of being in between. And isolated.

Then also I'm trying to balance the whole debate of going back to work. I mean, do I? One hour to get there, nine hours of work, then another hour home. Eleven hours away from my six week old feels dirty. I mean, eleven hours away from my 20 month old is hard. But all day with them is hard too. Balance. I need it.

I'm tired. I should probably go to sleep. But, the toddlers are singing Frozen. Again. Loud. And aren't listening. Ever. And somehow they're naked again. How? I swear I *JUST* put clothes on them. But then I turned my back to clean up after them again & that happened. Again. Always.

And now the toddler is naked in the window. I should probably do something about that.

Out of sorts

I've been feeling out of sorts lately. I honestly don't feel like I know my ass from my elbow at this point. I'm trying to stay afloat amidst... life and somehow that's distancing me from things. I guess, in my attempt to stay afloat I'm also using a lot of things as a distraction. Leaning into the reality of my situation sounds overwhelming and I'm not sure if I can do it. But, that's the thing... I need to.

I think I need to step away from my distractions, practice some self care & re-center.

I'm stepping back from my social media. I'll still be on but probably not as much.

I'm going to start taking care of me. Unapologetically. I'm going to start doing more than just the basics.

I'm going to start being present for my family. I'm going to listen to my kids stories. I'm going to sing songs with them. And I'm going to sniff this baby as much as I can.

I'm going to still be here for my friends. I'm going to still speak up about the things I have been. But, I'm going to take some time for me. Some time for my family. Some time to recenter.

I'm exhausted. Like, I could fall asleep sitting here typing this despite the Venti Iced coffee & the fact that it isn't even 6 PM. The kids are screaming at each other & I could probably sleep through it because I am just that damn tired. But, I won't go to sleep just yet. The kids still need to eat. The house still needs to be cleaned. The boyfriend needs attention. And I should probably squeeze in some personal time... or a shower. A shower is probably a good idea. I'm tired from the chaos. From getting 8 hours of sleep at night but somehow waking up an average of 28 times a night (thanks FitBit!) I'm tired from constantly being on. Constantly dealing with other people's needs. Being everything for everyone always. 

The funny thing about it? I don't think I would change this for anything. We're adjusting better to being 6 instead of 5. Which I don't think we had fully adjusted to being 5 instead of 4, or 4 instead of 3. Time flew and these last 4 years have been busy. My house is filled with noise and a constant mess (like, seriously, how many times can I vacuum & pick up the damn toys a day?!) But, we're hitting a groove. We're making friends. We're getting out. We are hitting our new normal. Hopefully the new normal will include more sleep soon...

I've never quite felt the urge to pack up my kids and whatever would fit in my car and go. I don't know where but somewhere far, far way from here. Somewhere new. Somewhere fresh. Somewhere else.

I am done. I am raw. I am fucking exhausted. The days are long and the nights are short. There isn't enough sleep or time or patience. And, I just... I need a break.

Life is kicking my ass. And I'm gritting my teeth and barreling through. I refuse to give up because fuck that shit. But, damn, what I would give to not have to fight so fucking hard all damn day, every day. Don't get me wrong, there is so much sunshine in this bullshit storm that has been my life lately. And I hold onto those rays of sunshine like they are my last bit of air because they are. Without them I don't know what the hell I would do. Well, I guess give up. But, again, not an option.

*sigh* Maybe today would be a good day to leave the house. It's been a few days. But, the whole 3 that are 3 and under thing is still new and still a lot. Especially with all of this rain and a car that barely fits everyone. Maybe we will wait until tomorrow since I *have* to leave tomorrow. We can make it an epic adventure day. Maybe more than just a trip to Starbucks. Maybe we'll get extra brave and go to Target too. Or maybe I'll drive into the sunset and never come back. Who knows.

And now...

We are officially a family of 6! JC made his debut on New Years Eve at 1:18 am. He was 5lbs 11 oz (according to the nurse but there is some speculation that that is off) & 18 inches. It was a fast, unmedicated birth with my boyfriend & best friend there as my support. It was such a different experience from the other 3 births!

Recovery has been different this time around too. Things aren't bouncing back as fast. Which I'm sure has more to do with the fact that I've had 3 babies in the last 4 years.

The kids are adjusting. The big girl thinks the house is too loud but the baby is the cutest. The little girl is having a lot of REALLY big feelings which is typical for a 3 year old. The big boy is... well, he's him. The rough and tough toddler boy you hear so much about. Into everything and slowly driving me nuts. But, we've survived a week so I'm calling it a win!

Things are still in the hurry up and wait phase. We're still looking for a place and still trying to see where we will end up next. It's nerve wracking. But, I also fully believe that we will find what is perfect for us and things will get better. Because, really, I guess things aren't that bad. We have a roof over our heads, we have food, we have 4 healthy and amazing kids. We may not have everything that we want but we have what we need. And that matters. It matters so damn much.

I'll try to update here more. But, I can't make any promises. I mean, I'm still having a hard time remembering to eat between all of the small humans' needs.